Aaah, the magic of the holiday season: the lights, the music, the gifts…the family drama. One of the things that couples sign up for (though they don’t think about it at the time) is negotiating the issues with not just your own clan, but your partner’s at a complicated time of year. Holidays bring back lots of lovely memories, but they can also call up hidden issues. Then there are the traditions and expectations that you each bring to the relationship. Here are some smart tips for couples to help survive the holidays – and ensure that the season stays peaceful, joyous and (most importantly) free of conflicts.
SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES
If you suspect that your family will have an issue with the fact that you haven’t started a family yet, or that your partner is from a different faith, let them know ahead of time that these discussions are out of bounds. Send a group e-mail to the closest family members (and perhaps enlist help from a sympathetic relation to enforce it).
HAVE A “CODE”
Despite your best efforts at being on “good behavior,” there will always be relatives who overstep. If your sister-in-law has your lawyer husband cornered in the kitchen with demands for free legal advice, have a signal arranged ahead of time. Text each other with a sign that someone needs to be rescued – stat!
MANAGE EXPECTATIONS
Holidays are emotionally-charged in so many ways. People often overcompensate with extravagant spending or overdoing it on parties and events.
Couples would do well to have a talk about what they most want out of holiday: seeing friends, spending time with family, maybe having more quiet time with their partner to enjoy the lights on the tree or tacky Christmas movies on TV. When it comes to spending (a typical way of “overcompensating”), setting a budget or a rule of only “one gift” can alleviate a lot of emotional stress. Bottom line: keep your holiday within some guardrails.
SPLIT UP “THE DAYS”
Every family wants to lay claim to you and yours. So maybe you need to split things up, visiting his family for Christmas or Hanukah one year, and her family the next. Factor in other big family gatherings like Thanksgiving, New Years or Fourth of July. Take a look at the calendar and see what you can work out to satisfy your relatives.
START YOUR OWN TRADITIONS
On that note, don’t feel chained to the past. Starting your own traditions as a couple (or family) is a great way to break free of difficult past experiences. Reinvent your holiday by picking out things that will make you both happy. Maybe you love to hear live Christmas music in your local church. Or drive around looking at the light displays in town. Perhaps a Christmas Eve tradition of wearing pajamas and opening a single gift each makes you smile. Zeroing in on the things that give you genuine joy gives you a foundation to reset your holiday mindset.
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