Having kids is one of the best parts of marriage. You’ve now gone from a “couple” to being a “family.” But adding little ones to the mix definitely changes things. With babies, you’re dealing with sleep deprivation and a constant stream of stuff that needs to get done. According to one study, 92% of couples report increased conflict after a baby arrives. As the kids get older, you’re handling school, schedules and a host of other challenges. No doubt about it, the love that brought you together can be tested. So here are some expert tips on how to keep your relationship healthy during the most common conflicts, and to keep love alive after having kids.
DIVISION OF CHORES
When a baby arrives, your carefully-crafted schedule blows up. There are feedings, an endless stream of laundry, toys all over the place. As the kid gets older, it morphs into managing school, friends and extra-curricular activities. Trying to keep things in check can really test a couple. One half always seems to end up doing most of the work. That can quickly breed resentment.
One solution? Post a list of daily chores (and who’s responsible) and stick it on the fridge. Then switch those duties for the next week.
It’s also useful to make a direct request to your partner. Passive-aggressiveness or just storming around in a huff is counterproductive. Studies show that most of us react better to a simple, clear request. Once they’ve completed the task, remember to thank your better half. That greases the wheels towards making them more receptive to the next one.
INTIMACY
Kids and their needs can exhaust a couple, especially when a new baby shows up. Lack of sleep can really sap the passion. But you can still stay close. Studies show that most couples’ intimate lives get back to normal after an average of two years, post-baby.
In the meantime, some moms or dads may hesitate to cuddle with their partner, fearing that they’ll want more even though they’re not in the mood. This is where communication comes in. You can tell your partner that you don’t have the energy at the moment, but you’d like to snuggle for a few minutes.
When children enter the mix, finding time to get close is tricky. This is where “making a date” makes a lot of sense. Think back to your dating days: you had a sense that something hot might result at the end of the night. Apply those same principles to your marriage: get a sitter, dress up a little, get in the mood. (And not for nothing, keep traces of kids out of your bedroom: a crying child or rolling over on a squeaky toy can ruin things in a nanosecond).
The quicker antidote to feeling “disconnected” from your mate? Check in with each other for at least a few minutes each day (10 is a good measure). Share what’s going on and how you’re feeling – it’s a substitute, but it’s a good one.
SOLO TIME
Pre-kids, many couples may have spent time on individual pursuits. One ran marathons, the other did volunteer work or joined a book club. These things easily disappear when children enter the equation. But solo pursuits can refresh you, both as an individual and as a couple. They’re not a bad thing. Find a way to let each partner take a “time out” from parenting duties. They’ll come back to the family in a better mental state.
PICK YOUR TIMES
It’s easy to just blow up at your partner randomly, but that’s unlikely to result in anything positive. Take a breath and pick a better time (as in, not in the middle of the night) to sit down and discuss issues (And the most important thing? DISCUSS THEM.) Letting conflicts fester is not a good thing. Work on your problems when both of you are calm. And stay chill when someone offers their take on a situation, Experts stress two themes: “cooperation’ and “respect.”
PS: Need to show a little “I love you” or respect for a changed family situation? A sweet piece of jewelry can do the trick. Birkat Elyon has gorgeous cubic zirconia pieces for every occasion: and they won’t break the bank.